Michael was not feeling well. He was crying alot. I took him to the doctor's thinking he had an ear infection.  Everything checked out okay.

Michael still was not right to me.  I took him to the doctors a second time.  He sent us to the hospital.  They did a x-ray of Michael's stomach thinking a bowel blockage.  Nothing. The third time to the doctor's;he sent us into Children's and told me not to leave there until they did an ultrasound on Michael's stomach.

A nurse came out to us and said a team of specialist were going to speak to us.  A nurse took Michael (he was in his stroller). My husband and I went into this room and sat at this long table with about 6 doctors.  I remember tissue boxes spread across the table.  We sat not knowing that this was the begining of the end. They told us our son, Michael, 19 months old had a form of cancer in his stomach.  He had a tumor in his stomach the size of a grapefruit.  I don't remember much more because I blocked them out.  I just heard bits and pieces of what they were saying.  I remember thinking this can't be true.  Not my child!  I keep thinking No, they don't know what they are talking about.  I remember reaching for the tissues not being able to stop.  Then I remembered I had to go get My little boy.  When I got to him I acted strong like nothing was wrong and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I did it for him.

Michael and I would stay at Children's for 5 days for chemo treatments every three weeks.  I never left his side.  He had the most beautiful blonde hair.  He started losing it quickly.  But he was so beautiful even without his blonde hair!  He loved going to the hospital.  He was so brave and strong.  I slept in the crib with him.  I loved to stare at him when he was asleep. He loved his binkies.  One in each hand and one in his mouth!

Michael turns two!  We have a little party with cake and ice-cream!  Michael has a great day!

Michael has been through 6 months of chemo  and radiation and now he has  been approved for a bone marrow  transplant.  We were so excited!  They took Michael's bone marrow and cleaned it and the plan was to put it back into him without any cancerous cells.

We were admitted to the transplant unit.  The night before the transplant Michael looked like he was limping to me.  I told the nurse.  They did a bone scan on Michael and we were told the cancer  came back.  We could no longer do the transplant.

We took Michael into the clinic. We were supposed to be there for chemo. Michael kept complaining of pain in his right cheek.  I thought it might be his two year old mollars.  The oncologist was concerned.  He sent us home with tylenol with codine.  He set up an appointment for a cat-scan on Mon.  On Sat. we ended up taking Michael into Children's emergency room.  They started a morphine drip and admitted him. On Mon. Michael had a bone scan and a cat-scan.  We were told that night that the disease had gotten worse.  It was dystroying Michael's facial bones.

At this point we were given three choices: one, we could start another protocall in which Michael would have to go through all sorts of scans and spinal taps.  They would be using a experiamental drug. We would have no way of knowing what it would do for Michael or to him.  Choice #2 was experimental drugs.  Choice #3 was supportive care, which meant keeping Michael as comfortable as possible. We were told Michael had a 1% chance to live.  We were told he probably had two to four months to live.  We were to go home and think about what we wanted to do and meet with the doctor the following day.  I don't even remember thinking about this decision.  But I do know we chose choice #3.  There comes a time when you get to the point of thinking "for what"?  "For whom am I doing this for"?  I just wanted peace for my son.  I wanted him to be pain free.

Tuesday, Wednesday were really hard days and nights.  Michael was in agony.  We couldn't control his pain.  He wasn't sleeping.  He was miserable.  Not himself at all.

On Thursday, my husband came to the hospital . He came everyday we were there. Around 10 pm Michael changed.  He was more himself.  He got on this little red bike and rode it around the halls of the hospital.  Michael was laughing (something he didn't do in days)!  Not until after Michael passed away did we realize what Michael was doing.  He was giving his dad a last chance to remember him as happy! He was doing this for his dad. After he left Michael and I had a horrible night. I asked the nurse to increase his pain drip.  She told me she couldn't do that because it may stop his breathing!  I told her "He is going to stop breathing anyway so lets just do it so he isn't in pain!"Michael started at 20 micros on friday, by the time he took his last breaths it was well past  400 micros! They gave him a continious drip of a sedative.  He was hallucinating.  It was aweful to see him like this.

On Friday, around 2pm Michael looked up at me ( I was holding him in my lap in the crib) He said "da da".  I looked down on him and said " Michael do you want daddy?"  He then shook hus head yes.  I had one of the nurses call daddy at work. When he got to the hospital, Michael's breathing started to become irregular. Around 5pm Michael passed away in my arms and I started screaming "he's gone! He isn't breathing!  Oh my God"!  Tom ran out of the room to get a nurse.  Then Michael started breathing again!  It was then that Tom and I looked at each other and said "We've got to get Tj here!" (Michael,s 7 yr. old brother who was 45 minutes away!)  Tom called his mom and said to get Tj here, fast! We didn't know what we were going to do or say we just knew we had to get Tj  there fast! We had the lights off and Michael was in a deep sleep, breathing erratically.  Tom met Tj outside the room and told Tj that Michael had been asking for him.  He told him that Michael was asleep but he'll know he's there and to tell Michael how much he Loved him. Tj came into the room and jumped up on the bed and patted Michael on the head.  He then rubbed Michael's head and said "It is okay Mike, Iam here now".  He then said, "I Love you!" He jumped down and left the room. Around 7pm I had to go use the bathroom, I had been holding Michael all day. I gently lifted him off of me.  Tom's mom was with him.  Tom and Tj were outside the room . I came out of the bathroom and there were two friends outside the room. I was hugging them and crying when all of a sudden  I heard Tom's mom say "mommy come here quick!" I ran in and got into the crib and gently put Michael back in my arms.  He took three more breaths, and then my little boy was GONE,  We were all alone, just he and I.  I believe thats the way he wanted it.  He had control right up until the end.  Tom's mom ran out to find Tom who was right next door in the playroom with Tj.  But she ran to the nurses station and I could hear them page Tom Murphy to room #-----.  Then Tom came in and I said "he's gone". We cried and cried. I had to let him go, I had no other choice,for HIM.  No more cancer, no more procedures, NO MORE PAIN. I truely believe he's at peace now. In Heaven with  his Heavenly Father, God. After Michael passed we had Tj come into the room with us. He got into the crib and asked alot of questions, held Michael's hand, and spoke to him.  I held him for almost three hours.  Then I gently kissed my little angel goodbye and gave him to Tom.  I couldn't just hand him to a nurse and go, it had to be his daddy.  Tom got into the crib and held him as I left the room.  We left the hospital after 11pm. It was so hard to walk out of the front doors of the hospital without Michael. I NEVER  left without HIM!  Our house was so empty and quiet when we got home.  We put Tj to bed with Michael's puppy.  ( a special stuffed animal of Michaels').  I  got into the shower and cried for a very long time. One of the hardest things was waking up without him beside me.  We slept together for 9 months!

I would never had remembered all these details of Michael's ordeal if I hadn't written it down. I thank God that about a week after Michael passed I wrote every detail down so that I would NEVER forget it.  Our minds have a way of blocking things that are too painful to remember.  Even when I read what I had written, I realize just how much I have blocked.  But I never want to forget anything!  The good and the bad.  It is what keeps Michael's memory alive inside of my heart.